Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best friends are Labradors and since we are somewhat related, I am happy for them in the way you might be if your cousin won the lottery — which is to say to a point.
And so the American Kennel Club has reported that for the 22nd straight year the Labrador retriever is the nation’s most popular dog, blah, blah, blah. Which happens to be dog talk for blah, blah, blah.
Don’t get me wrong. Some of my best friends are Labradors and since we are somewhat related, I am happy for them in the way you might be if your cousin won the lottery — which is to say to a point. And I suppose for those dogs that need the validation, the notoriety is good if you pay attention to that kind of stuff, which I don’t. Not much. OK it hurts.
Dogs shouldn’t care about being popular, that’s for humans. That’s why you rarely see a dog on the cover of fan magazines even though we too appear on reality TV, L.L. Bean catalogues and on the short list for the Oscars.
We don’t worry about being popular because frankly, we don’t worry about anything. That’s just how we are.
And yet, there is something. Maybe it’s that we’re used to being on the receiving end of unsolicited praise. No fawn was ever fawned over more than us. Maybe when you’re a snake, or a vole you get used to living with scant praise. But we turn heads, and we’ve come to expect it. I mean how many times do complete strangers come up to humans and say “you’re beautiful,” and then as if we didn’t hear them, say it again.
None of this should go to our heads, I suppose, and generally it doesn’t, until that is we finish a dismal third in the dog popularity sweepstakes behind the aforementioned Labradors (if they’re so popular why isn’t Labrador swarming with them?) and then as an added insult, lose second place to German shepherds.
German shepherds? Seriously? Hasn’t anyone ever seen those WWII movies where the German shepherds are licking up to jackbooted Nazis and snarling through barbed wire at American prisoners of war. I doubt they’re saying “pet me.” Sure German shepherds can be friendly when they want to be but one false move and out come those teeth. That’s why when police are searching for K-9 officers to track down terrorists, drug smugglers, and plain old bad guys they know where to look.
Tell me, has anyone ever seen a golden retriever police dog?
Of course not, because the truth of the matter is that when we give chase it’s usually in pursuit of squirrels, and frankly our arrest record in that regard is nothing to brag about. Ditto us trying to corner drug smugglers. We’re so naturally mellow and laid back they’d probably think we were customers.
Face it, just about no one is afraid of a golden retriever, which makes it pretty hard to be a law enforcement officer, but which you might think would add to our popularity. To see us finish behind a police dog, seems like a crime.
About the only good thing that can be said from the Kennel Club rankings is that we did manage to nose out beagles for third place. I suppose that’s something, although it’s a bit like showing in the Kentucky Derby. You’re still in the money, but you don’t hear much applause.
Not that I have anything against beagles, but they’ve been riding on Snoopy’s coattails for a long time. And I admit small dogs make me nervous. All that yelping. Deep down I think most of them want to be Great Danes.
Still, I suppose that the Kennel Club has spoken and I’ll just have to get used to my third-place finish. Frankly, I don’t understand why every dog isn’t a golden retriever, but as my mother said, that’s why they make vanilla and chocolate.
Or in my case, strawberry.
I guess there’s always next year. Meanwhile, do yourself a favor and get a golden retriever. Sure you’ll be helping me get more popular, but I guarantee you’ll be more popular too.
And believe me, you’ll never regret it.
Theo Chipkin doesn’t do
email, but he can be reached
through his agent at rchipkin
@repub.com