The Nielsen ratings have long been considered a go-to source about popularity of TV shows.
While is wife watches "Downtown Abbey," the cast shown here, Ron Chimelis is in another room watching "Married With Children." Will they balance each other out in the familiy's Nielsen survey?
Her name was Kathleen, and, certainly by the robotic standards of most telemarketers, she was very nice.
“I am calling from the Nielsen company,” she said cheerfully. “Have you heard of us?”
Heard of them? In my lifetime, only Karl Rove and Ann Landers have had greater influence on public taste.
The TV survey company has probably lost some clout. Like the Gallup Poll, it was once considered the go-to source about popularity in its field.
In today’s splintered media, no single arbiter fits all. On our TV alone, the channels number from 1 to 2,500, and my retirement goal is to watch them all for at least five minutes before, ahem, signing off.
Like jury duty, I suspect Nielsen eventually gets around to all of us. They still represent an iconic name in TV, though, and I was honored they would ask the Chimelis household to participate.
They send you a pamphlet to fill out for a week, but first came some questions on the telephone.
Suddenly, I was nervous, as if blurting out the wrong answer would make Kathleen roll her eyes in disapproval and deem us unworthy.
It did not help that the first question stumped me. For the purpose of ensuring an accurate cross-section, I was asked to describe my ethnic background.
“My dad was from Puerto Rico, which is how I’ve always referred to myself, although I don’t speak Spanish,” I said. “Mom was a Jewish person from the Bronx, but we never went to the synagogue much. What would you put down?”
She gently told me that it was my call. I got the impression that in Kathleen’s long polling career, extracting an answer to this particular question had never been this difficult.
Mark me into the Hispanic column, I said with pride. She sounded palpably relieved to move on.
Next came a few questions of what we watch on TV.
“My daughter is devoted to the Disney Channel,” I said, wimping out of telling her that secretly, some of those shows are my favorites, too.
Truthfully, I said I watched the old movie channels (notably Turner Classic Movies), with a sprinkling of sports.
“I used to watch the History Channel, when the shows were about history and not about swamp people, axe men and pawn stars. Can’t you people do something about that?” I asked.
She politely said that is not Nielsen’s call.
“I don’t watch the news shows, too slanted to one side or the other,” I added. “I read newspapers. Everybody should read newspapers.”
Next, she asked what my wife watched.
“A lot of junk, in my opinion,” I said, lowering my voice so as not to be heard in the next room.
I was asked to be more specific. Kathleen inferred I might try being a little more open-minded, too.
“She likes some of the reality shows. ‘Top Chef,’ ‘Top Model,’ also the Home and Garden Channel,” I responded with purposeful disdain.
Besides, where do I get off? In one room of our home, while my wife watches “Downton Abbey” (a totally classy PBS show that finished No. 2 in the ratings to the Super Bowl on Feb. 3), I’m yukkin’ it up to “Married...with Children”; reruns in the other.
Full disclosure: I like HGTV, too. I never thought you could make a show out of cleaning the bathroom, but I didn’t think the Weather Channel would last a month, either.
The Nielsen pamphlet will arrive soon, and I am already feeling the pressure. I don’t know if it would be inappropriate to coach the family on what to watch, but I know it would be ignored.
I have always wondered how honestly these surveys are answered. I doubt many people fill in the box marked “Dirty Movie Channel,” but they exist and flourish, so someone’s fibbing.
That is not an issue in our household, where on some days, the viewing age ranges from 3 to 57.
I wanted to tell Kathleen she could skip the national survey and just use us as a microcosm for what America wants to watch. A cross-section of one household would save a lot of time and postage.
I don’t think that would be a bad way to choose elected officials as well. But that’s another story.
For now, I hope our household’s viewing habits are of high enough quality to do us proud in a national poll.
“Dad, can you hand me the remote?” my daughter asked as the Nielsen call was ending. “Dog With a Blog is on.”
Maybe when the pamphlet comes, I’ll tell the postal carrier it must have been meant for another address.