I like to think of myself as a true health provider, meaning I can make people healthier just by being, well, me.
So apparently, now I am a health provider.
Not a doctor or nurse mind you, positions for which one actually needs training, and how shall I say this – intelligence.
In addition to the opposable thumb thing which I imagine would come in handy when wielding a scalpel, a career in medicine requires a good memory which is not my strong suit. I doubt that I would be able to recall the 206 bones in the human body (and my instinct to regard bones as meant for burying and chewing might be a problem too.) And considering my limited life span (I don’t like to mention it, but there it is) four years of medical school, plus internship and residency would take up pretty much my whole life therefore raising the decidedly undoglike question, of “what’s the point?”
Anyway, when you think about it, doctors and nurses are not really health providers, so much as they are health service providers, who to my way of thinking too often arrive after one is already sick, and the metaphorical horse (or in my case, dog) has left the barn.
I like to think of myself as a true health provider, meaning I can make people healthier just by being, well, me.
And it turns out I am not alone in this opinion.
Here are the facts, courtesy of Glenn Levine, a cardiologist with the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.
•Dogs may keep owners active (with all those walks). In one study, dog owners were 54% more likely than other adults to get recommended levels of exercise.
•Interacting with a pet can lower stress responses in the body.
•Pet ownership is associated with lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels and less obesity.
Now don’t ask me how exactly I provide the kind of health benefits you would expect from someone with extensive medical training and princely salary to go along with it.
I keep my master active by taking him along on walks. I suppose he could just take me out to the middle of the woods and leave me there but that has a certain Hansel and Gretel quality to it that does not befit pet ownership.
Besides, he might get lost.
I like to think I lower stress by simply exhibiting stress-free behavior. Stress to my way of thinking comes mostly from worry, and I never worry. It’s not like it’s a conscious strategy or anything; I just don’t do it. You might think there was a tiny bit of anxiety arising from never catching squirrels. But I just wait around for the next squirriel and go after it as if I’ve been catching them all my life.
No stress; just unjustified and I must say completely illogical hope.
But if the medical evidence says that I lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels in my master with my what-me-worry attitude, who am I to argue?
Mostly I just go about my day. I run hard when there’s something to chase, and remain eternally curious about what’s around the next bend in the road. I watch my weight by pretty much eating the same thing in the same amount every day (not that I have much choice). And when the going gets tough, I curl up and take a nap.
Then again, perhaps my healing powers come from the fact that I am unflailingly loyal, ever-affectionate, and completely nonjudgmental.
You’ll never see any of these ingredients in a health food store, or in a doctor’s office, but then again they’re not the real health providers.
Ask the experts.
I am.
See you around the cardiologist’s office. I’ll be waiting outside.
Theo Chipkin doesn't do email. You can reach him in care of his agent at rchipkin@repub.com